I'm still trying to make it through this..

Sometimes, things happen that we can't explain. Bad things happen to good people. Things that will change their lives forever..

Scars
Nov 29 / 09

The cold sweats, the nightmares
the crying, the screams
every night's the same
when you walk into my dreams

And it's that same dream repeating
that makes my heart race
taking me back to that day
to that look upon your face

I was just an innocent child
but you took that all away
now I'll never get it back
I'll just have this memory.. it's here to stay

And I've kept this secret memory
locked away for years
but it found its way out
and with it came the fears

The fears that you might someday
do this to someone new
take away her innocence
and leave her only with dreams of you

No, not dreams but nightmares
of your hands touching her
soft whispers in her ear
telling her "This won't hurt"

Leaving her with scars
ones that no one else can see
leaving her with those same scars
that you left here with me

Sometimes, keeping secrets isn't a good thing.. End of story.

I wish I was the tin man so I didn't have a heart to break..

Hey there! It sure has been a long time since I've posted something.. I guess I just haven't been thinking about blogging for a long time, but I've got a lot on my mind right now and I guess it just seemed like a good time to get it all off my chest. Well.. where should I start? I guess I'll start from way back when all of these problems started. BOYS.

I met this guy who we'll call Bruce, and he seemed really great and I wanted to get to know him better. Simple enough. So, as we're getting to know each other we both come to realize that we like each other! Super! NO! WRONG! NOT SUPER! things are going well, but then along comes a guy who we'll call Ralph. So Ralph and I are friends, and then as we become better friends he starts to like me. And so the drama begins..

So, now I have to boys who like me and I like both of them. What am I supposed to do? Well, when thinking about that, I made the wrong decision in solving the problem. I hooked up with both of them in one week and then everyone at school thought I was a slut. WONDERFUL! So, now I like two guys, I'm good friends with both of them, AND I'm a slut? How much worse can this get?! Apparently a lot. Now, I'm being forced to choose and I don't know who I WANT to choose because I don't want to hurt either of them and I really like them both. Then Ralph does something really dumb. He plays me and some other girl and then lies to us both and says that he never said the things that he really did. So then I thought "Well I know who I'm going to choose! This is easy now!" Wrong again, because then Bruce does something stupid too! He decides that it's a good idea to hook up with eight girls in one night, one of them being one of my best friends! Well now my choice isn't so easy anymore. So we're back to square one. Or so I thought.. but then I start hanging out with Bruce more and and Ralph less and then Bruce and I start seeing each other. Simple. Problem fixed! And so I tell Ralph that Bruce and I are seeing each other and he doesn't make that big of a deal about it. But then a couple days later he gets his best friend to tell me that he (Ralph) wants me to back off! REALLY!? I'm seeing someone and you're telling ME I need to back off? After you've been telling me that you want me to choose you!?! That's the dumbest thing I think I've ever heard! And you couldn't even muster up the courage to tell me yourself?!?!?! Well, no kidding I'm going to be mad. And you don't really have the right to be mad at me buddy, because I didn't do anything to you. I told you how I felt, I was honest from the get-go, and you screwed me over. So you deserve everything you get. Problem solved! Except for that I still want to be FRIENDS with you.. or at least the you that I used to know.. but you're a totally different person now and I don't like it. MAYBE when you realize how much of a jerk you're being then we can try being friends, but until then I think that you telling me to back off is a good idea. Your mind games are dumb, and I don't want to deal with this bull anymore. SO, I'm dating Bruce now and that's all fixed!

Next problem? Well, when I was 12 years-old something drastic changed my life; or rather someone. And lately I can't seem to stop thinking about it.. Everything I do and everywhere I go, it's always on my mind. Seeing you last night made me want to just curl up in a ball and cry. I'm not going to plaster what happened all over the internet, but let's just say that it's soething that NO ONE should have to go through- especially a child. It caused me to grow up really fast without being given the choice. Maybe that explains why I'm so screwed up now.. I mean, some times I act like I'm five years old but when it comes to other stuff I'm incredibly mature and I know more about it than most kids my age. I'm not really sure if that's a good thing, I don't like it all the time, but I've learned to live with it and I guess that's the best I can do. Maybe therapy would help? Talking to a professional? I just can't do that though, because as much as I want help this guy was like one of my brother's and I just can't rat him out like that.. I don't know, it just doesn't really seem right to me. I guess that's just another thing that's messed up about me and this whole situation. I just wish that I didn't have to talk to a professional about it, but just someone who knows what I'm going through and what I'm feeling.. someone I know and trust.. because since it happened, I don't really trust a lot of people. I mean, I barely trust ANYONE. And I know that it hurts me and others, not trusting people and all, but I can't really help it! I mean, it's not something that I can control! Anyways, enough about that..

I guess that's about all I have to say.. I'm not really sure why I haven't posted until now but I feel a lot better now that I've gotten it all off my chest..

Life's more complicated than ever. End of story..

I don't know who I am.

Why is it that everyone seems to be growing up together, and I'm just stuck being a kid?

I don't wanna talk about it, it's far too sophisticated.

So, I haven't been writing a lot which is both a good and bad thing.. I mean, it's a good thing because it means I've been busy and that I have a life now but it also means I'm going to have a lot to write when I do write things.

So, first off I'm happy. I know that sounds like a stupid thing to say but it's true. I'm finally happy. Not content, not okay, but happy. I'm happy with myself. I'm happy with my life. I'm just happy. Things are finally going right for me. I've been so inspired lately by so many people and things. I've gotten back into writing music. I'm hanging out with the people who I used to hang out with and I missed a lot. I'm learning how to control my self. Life really is just a huge lesson; like school. Sometimes you just want to do things whenever you want to and you don't want to listen to anyone, but honestly you don't have a choice. You're going to make mistakes and you're going to lose people. But always know that when one door closes another one opens. I'm just beginning to realize this. I've lost so much lately, but I'm gaining so much from it.

Negativity. I hate that word! I can't stand it when people are so incredibly pesimistic that they forget how to live; how to love! People just need to learn how to live. I know I've said this before in the blog, and if you know me well and you're reading this you know that I say it all the time too. It just bothers me so much when people play the pity card and they victimize themselves so that they get attention. The people who live for drama. The one's who can't live without fighting because that's what makes their lives interesting! I can't stand them. I know people like that, and I hate being around it. I've tried too many times to help, and it hasn't worked yet so I'm giving up. Why should I waste my energy trying to help you if you don't even want my help? The answer: I SHOULDN'T! So I'm not going to. Not anymore.

Positivity. I think it's my new favourite word. It just opens you to so many new things, so many new people. When you have a good attitude about life, people will be drawn to you. Well, that's what I've found anyways.

Love. It's simple. I don't think I need to explain it.

I think that people need to be happy. That's about it. I mean, I know that you're going to get down every once and awhile but that's normal. It helps to talk about it. It helps to cry your eyes out. I would know, I've done it. I did it yesterday. The sadness and anger took me over. It was so overwhelming that I fell to the ground and just sat there crying. I sobbed. I couldn't control it. But I feel better now that I've gotten it all out. I talked about it, I got help. I feel great now. Nothing's gonna break me down.

I love the feeling of being free and happy! End of story.

Just a big bowl of happy!

Sometimes your dreams just aren't what life has planned.

So, I haven't written in awhile and I guess I have a lot to say. For a little while, things seemed to be getting better. My friend and I made up, there wasn't any other drama to deal with, I was getting along with my parents and I was happy. Finally. Well, so much for that. Maddy and I aren't talking, again. But I guess this time it's my fault. I overreacted about something really stupid and ruined a great weekend for everyone. But I mean, it's not like it's all my fault, and the blame can't be put solely on me. I was targeted by someone who I thought cared about me, but apparently I'm not nearly as important as his little princess. I mean, I totally understand that she's your daughter but it takes two to tango and I wasn't fighting with myself. So, why are you yelling at me? Why are you basically kicking me out? Because I'm not family, that's why. It wasn't really your place to say anything, but I understand why you did. Although, the mature thing to do would have been to step back and look at it from both sides! But you didn't, and now this is even more complicated. Why? Because I'm being forced to apologize to all of you. Yes, I know that I should but I also think that you owe me an apology for singling me out. I know you won't though, because you're too high up on that horse of yours. Well, that's fine with me. I don't want to fight with Maddy anymore. I know that it was wrong of me to do what I did. So, those emails will be written and I know that at least one of them is going to be sincere.

Next issue? Well, my parents basically blamed everything on me. And, to make matters even worse they basically called me fat. Now, I know that I'm not super tiny but I'm not fat. I'm a healthy weight for my size! So why on earth would my parents just go off and call me fat?! It just makes me mad, because they're supposed to be my support system and they're supposed to cheer me up when I'm down, and they think that calling me fat is going to make me want to talk to them about my issues! Who knows, maybe when my next boyfriend breaks up with me and I try to talk to my mom about it she'll say "Well he was way too good for you anyways sweetie. I'm not surprised he broke up with you!" Yeah, what great parents I have.

This is so lame. End of story

All you need is a little bit of lovin'

So, today was surprisingly a good day! Well, most of it.. I mean, I haven't laughed as hard as I did today in a long time. I haven't gotten those butterflies you get in your stomach when you're with someone you love in a very long time. I haven't held someone's hand and felt like everything was going to be ok. I haven't felt the want, no need to just turn and kiss someone because there's nothing left to say. I haven't felt this alive in so long! I know that people say being in love is a big deal. They say that you don't know how to love when you're fifteen years old. PROVE IT TO ME! I want someone to come along and show me that I don't know what love is, because I've found someone who's shown me that I do know what love is!

I think that people these days just need to open up a little. I mean, have any of you ever been in love? Because if you have then you would know that you can't put an age on loving. If you haven't been in love, I truly hope you experience it some day because it's the most amazing feeling in the world.

Today I looked up at the sky and instead of seeing an endless sea of blue I saw an endless sea of opportunities. I saw hope. I saw love. I saw happiness. You know, people need to be a little more optimistic! We need to look on the bright side of life. I know everything's not always going to be sunshine and rainbows, but instead of looking at the bad things in an entirely negative way we just need to try and see the positivity in life! You can't learn if you don't make mistakes! You can't learn from other people's mistakes! You need to live! Open your heart to new things! You're never going to know what's out there in that big world unless you dive right into it! You can't just sit in your little glass box and watch the world go by wishing you could join the people around you. Step out of that box and join them!

As I sit here, thinking about what happened today I can't help but smile. Even though my best friend hates me and wants to have nothing to do with me, I'll live. I'll live because I know that one day it will all just blow over. I know that no matter how much she's mad at me, I love her with everything I've got and I hope that she knows that. I know that I've got people out there who love me, I know that I'm a beautiful person on the inside and out! I'm not trying to be self-centered and I'm not trying to be cocky. But I've come to terms with my life, I know that everything's going to be ok. I know that even though I may be a little chubby and that I may have a bit of a pig nose, people love me for who I am and I'm beautiful in their eyes. And that's all I need.

Today was a great day. I love being in love. I love life. I know I have problems, I know I'm not perfect, but I think I'm a pretty well-rounded kid. No matter what you say to me, you're not going to break this new-found confidence. I may cry because, yes, I have feelings and I do get hurt. But I'm not crying for you, don't you ever think that the tears I cry are for you. Because if you're the one who made me upset, you don't deserve anything I've got. You don't deserve my love, my hate, my friendship, my passion.. You don't deserve any of it.

I just wish that some of the people I know felt this way about themselves. Yes, you may be going through a rough time but you've got people there to back you up. You've got friends. If you shut them out, they're going to stop trying. Believe me I know.. You need to break through that wall, just let it down. LET SOMEONE IN! We love you, don't you ever forget that.

I know this post has been kind of all over the place, but I just felt so inspired by.. well the world. THANK YOU GOD!

Take a chance, jump into love. You never know what you're going to get out of it. END OF STORY!




Who knew that something so simple could be so beautiful?

Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore.

So I've been listening to the same song on repeat for the past day and a half and every time I listen to it, it means something new. The first time I ever listened to it, I thought that the melody was beautiful. So calm, so soothing; it just took me to a place where I love to be. Then, as I began listening to it more, and listening to the lyrics, it got me thinking. The chorus and pre-chorus mean something new to me every time it plays over:

And still I cant let you be
Most nights I hardly sleep
Don't take what you don't need from me

Its just a drop in the ocean
A change in the weather
I was praying that you and me might end up together
Its like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert
But I'm holding you closer than most,
'Cause you are my heaven.

Every time I hear those words, though I think of the same person, new thoughts and feelings come to me.

At first, it made me sad because I didn't think that I would ever be with him. I love him, and I don't think that there's anything I can do to change that. I thought for the longest time that I was over him, but I know I'm not. And as much as I want to be, and I just want to be friends with him I know I can't. Most people think it's stupid of me to not let go. They say I just need to forget about him and move on. But let me tell you, it's definitely not that easy. I wish that everyone could feel the way I'm feeling right now because, even though it hurts sometimes, knowing what it feels like to love is wonderful - even if you don't get it back from that person.

Now, I listen to the words in that song and although I know that I still love him it just makes me happy. I'm happy to know that he loved me too, at one point, and it just makes me smile to think about him. I know that even though we're just friends right now, he cares about me. He doesn't want to see me upset. He doesn't like it when I cry. And when I hurt, he wants to help. Even if he doesn't know how I feel about him, I'd rather it be the way it is now then not have him in my life at all.

All I know is that he means more to me than a lot of the people in my life right now do. Even though he's hurt me before, I'm willing to put that all behind me for the sake of our friendship; and my sanity.

I think that I can officially say I'm in love.. I don't know why, and I don't know how it happened, but I know that I've never felt this way about anyone before. Every time I hear his name, or I see him sign into MSN I get butterflies in my stomach and a smile just seems to appear on my face. There's nothing I can do to get rid of this feeling, and all I can do is hope that maybe things will turn out the way I want them to.. Even if they don't, though, I'll be OK with that. He's in my life, we're talking again, I know he cares, that's all that matters.

Love is complicated, but I think the heartbreak is worth it in the end. End of story.

This one's for the girls, who love without holding back; who dream with everything they have.

Well, I didn't really do much today and so that got me thinking. Who cares what other people think about who you like and what you choose to do regarding your feelings? I mean, it's not like you can really control who you fall for. I believe that all the blame regarding who you fall for should lay upon the shoulders of the person who you like or love. I mean, if they weren't the person they are then there would be nothing to fall for. Am I right?

Anyways, I think that every girl out there - guys too! - should just do what they want to do and be with who they want to be with. Who cares if the person you love has buck teeth and a unibrow?! Not everything's about looks baby. I would much rather be with someone who society considers "horifyingly ugly" who's insanely nice and just all around a great person than someone who's "OH HOT DAMN!" and a complete jerk. Don't let people hold you back! Because if someone really cares about you, they won't hold you back. Be who you are, and be proud of it. Be proud of who you're with too! Because when it comes down to it, everyone's going to get wrinkly and old and then who really cares what you look like. All that matters is that you're in love.


Look more with your heart than your eyes. END OF FREAKING STORY!



Just let go! Live, laugh, and love freely.

It's only life.

"Mama never loved her much." And, "Daddy never keeps in touch. That's why she shies away from human affection." But somewhere in a private place she packs her bag for outer space, and now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come and she'll say to him;

She's sayin,"I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be, if you'll be my baby. I've got a ticket for a world where we belong so would you be my baby?"

Life can get messy. End of story.

I love you.

You've changed my world with the blink of an eye
this is something I truly cannot deny
you open my eyes and help me see
everything I'm supposed to be

You've opened my heart to brand new things
I feel I can fly, you've given me wings
today, tomorrow, now and forever
I'll be there for you wherever, whenever

Your sparkling eyes make my soul melt
these feelings I have now, I have never before felt
I know it's true, I know it's real
Something I hope that you can feel

These feelings I have a surely true
all of this to say I LOVE YOU


Written: January 21, 2009

I wrote this poem for a boy that I loved.. He told me he felt the same way.. But sometimes I wonder.

Love's tough. End of story.

What a shame.

Have you ever thought you knew someone, but it turns out you were wrong? It was as if you two were twins because you knew each other for so long. But one day you were talking and you had nothing to say. Then so many things crossed through your mind, why were things turning out this way? We'll be best friends forever that's what he'd always said.. Saying goodbye was something that the two of you always dread. Well now everything's different; they'll never be the same. I loved him dearly, but it's too late now. Gone forever, what a shame.

Written: March 8, 2009

I was wrong about you. End of story.

Don't say goodbye.

"Promise me you'll come back?"
That's the last thing that I said
"I promise you, a year's not long.."
although I still felt a part of me was dead

I opened my mouth to say goodbye
and half of it came out
You said "Don't say it, goodbye's forever
and I'll be back without a doubt"

Well it's been about a week now
but it seems like it's been a year
and knowing you might not come home
still remains my biggest fear

You truly mean so much to me
more than I think you'll ever know
and every time you leave
I really wish you didn't have to go

And everyone keeps telling me
a year's really not that long
And even though it hurts
I know I have to stay strong

You're always going to have
that special place in my heart
no matter where you are
whether we're together or apart

So I won't say goodbye
only see you soon
because I know, no matter what,
you're going to come home


I wrote this poem for my uncle on June 28, 2009.


I miss him. End of story.

Love. It's fearless.

My best friend showed me this quote, and I think it's so inspiring.

To me, "FEARLESS" is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS. -Taylor Swift


One quote can inspire you to change your life. End of Story.