Hate is easy; love takes courage.

Today I discovered happiness is not something we find, but something we create. This is my first step to recovery.

Such a beautiful mess..

Secret # 46:

I gave up because no one ever fought for me.

She's never been in love, but she knows just what love is..

Maybe it's just me, I don't know, but I hate watching love scenes in movies. They always make me feel so lonely and worthless, like I could never mean that much to someone. All I can think about is how much I wish someone would care about me and would do anything just to see me smile. I know I have family who love me, but it's just not the same. I want to find someone to fall in love with, and who will fall in love with me. Is that too much to ask for?

God, I'm lonely...

You know, I realized today that I'm really lonely. No, I don't mean lonely like I need to have a boyfriend and be in love; I mean, I just feel alone all the time. Even when I'm with my friends I feel alone. I don't understand it and I don't know if I ever will, but I do know that I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to feel like someone- anyone- cares about me. I want there to be people in my life who can make me smile even at the worst of times without having to even try. I wish that I didn't feel lonely even when I'm alone. I don't know how to make it happen, but I can't do this for much longer. I need someone or something to help me turn my life around before it all comes crashing back down again.

I guess summer really isn't all it's cracked up to be. I mean, it's supposed to be fun and as a teenager I'm supposed to love and enjoy it but to be honest I'd rather be at school. I find that in the summer when I'm not doing anything I have way too much time to think about things that I really don't want to think about. I guess that's why I've been feeling so lonely. When I'm at school, I have way too much to distract me and keep me busy so I never really think about how I'm feeling unless something happens to make me think about it.... I can't wait to go back, to figure out what I want to do with my life, to see everyone and socialize.

One day soon, though, I know that things are going to pick up again. I guess I'll just keep looking for the positive and live by words like these:

"Beautiful pictures are developed from negatives in the dark room. So if you see darkness in your life, be reassured that a bautiful picture it being prepared."

Say what you think, not what you think you should say.

I'm tired of people telling me what to do and who to be. Last time I checked I'm 16 not 6, and I can make decisions for myself. I know that they might not always be the right choices, and I know that I'm going to make mistakes, but isn't that all part of being human? Honestly, if I can't make mistakes for myself and learn from them then... what kind of person am I? I'm not just going to sit idly by any longer and let people walk all over me. It's time for me to live to please myself and not to please otheres. That's not to say that I'm going to be completely selfish and do everything for myself, but I'm going to need to start doing some things for myself otherwise my life is just going to be like a black abyss of nothingness.

"You turn fate into destiny when you know that you create your own life. Decide to be who you want to be and act on it. It'll be yours."

.... Words to live by.

What you see depends on what you're looking for..

Sometimes I just wish I could shut everyone out. I hate having to deal with problems, I hate having to deal with people who like to cause problems. My family is falling apart, my friendships are falling apart, and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel like it's all my fault, even though it's not really. I mean, there are some things I would change if I had the chance to do them over again but.. well it's too late now.

I feel like everything that ever made up the pieces of my family has fallen and smashed into a million pieces. Everything's just wrong, and there's nothing I can do. I can't be perfect, but I'm supposed to be. I can't make mistakes, but I'm only human. I can't be trusted, but I didn't do anything wrong. Or... maybe I did. I don't know anything anymore. I just don't know what to do with myself. There are only a few people in my life who I like to think that I can trust, but I don't even know anymore. Maybe I should just keep to myself for awhile - be alone, you know? Or... Maybe that's not a good idea. Having too much time to think can be a bad thing, too. I don't know! I don't know what to do with myself, my feelings... Don't get me wrong, there are some great things in my life right now... but it seems like they're being overpowered by the negative things.

Maybe things will get better... or maybe not.

I need help..

Secret # 45:
The days I don't have to go out I avoid any and every mirror in my house, and I don't shower. It disgusts me; but the sight of my self disgusts me even more.

I'm fresh out, y'all!

So here's the thing.. I'm out of secrets. I've honestly been racking my brain for something to write and I'm fresh out. You guys know everything about me. However, if and when a new secret does come up I'll be sure to post it. That's all for now, folks!

Love, hugs, and kissessssssssssss xoxoxo

What a funny girl..

Secret # 44:
I know that I'm pretty, but I think that I'm ugly. Confusing? Yes..

If you dance like hell, you hope you'll never touch the ground

Secret # 43:
At home, I'm a completely different person than the one everyone sees at school. Only my real friends know who I really am.

I've never felt this bare

Secret # 42:

I want to be on broadway one day

I don't need your help to pull through.

So I was camping this weekend and didn't get to post! Here ya goooo:

Secret # 39: I want to be famous one day.

Secret # 40: I am bisexual.

Secret # 41: Sometimes, I wish all my family would just disappear..

You've touched every place in my heart..

Secret # 38:
My best guy friend is the most amazing person on this planet. I love him!

Loooove life.

Again, posting is not easy! Three secrets for todaaaaay...

Secret # 35: I hate my science teacher with a passion, but I pretend to like him because I'm scared of him.

Secret # 36: I really don't want to go to school anymore.. Seriously considering dropping out?

Secret # 37: I don't want to live at home any more..

I just want to hold your hand.

Again, being grounded prevents me from writing every day.
I've missed four days, so I'll post four secrets!

Secret # 30: We broke up over a year and a half ago, but I'm still far from over him.

Secret #31: I'm still scared of the dark.

Secret # 32: I hate being alone.

Secret # 33: I like to think that I'm grown up and mature, but it's very clear that I'm still a kid.

Secret # 34: I never thought I would meet someone as hard to forget as you are. (Secret # 30)

Lots and lots to say!

Ok, so I am perpetually grounded and I've missed 8 days of writing. So, I'll post 8 secrets today!

Secret # 22: I have absolutely no self-esteem.

Secret # 23: I love to just sit and listen to the rain.

Secret # 24: It may be naive, but I believe in God.

Secret # 25: Sometimes, I still get scared of the dark.

Secret # 26: I still sleep with the stuffed animal I got when I was born.

Secret # 27: I secretly hope there are a lot of people reading my blog.

Secret # 28: I like to believe I'm unique and special, even though I know I'm not.

Secret # 29: The other day, I almost took my own life. Don't judge, don't freak, don't be angry or upset. It is how it is.

Love is a battlefield

Secret# 21:

I'm scared of dating..

Envy is a sin

Secret # 20:
Most of the time, I feel really ugly when I'm with my friends..

Oh, if only..

Secret #19:
I want to have a summer romance like in the movies..

Peace on Earth? I wish!

Secret # 18:
Watching the news makes me hate humanity.

It's nice to be noticed..

Secret # 17:
I kind of hope that there are people actually reading my blog, but I doubt it..

The clock ticks life away..

Secret # 16:
I hate that lying to people has become easy for me to do.

Prayin' some day soon I'll understand

Secret # 15:
I'm terrified that my life won't amout to anything and that I'll die without anything to be remembered by.

It's nice to be nice!

Secret # 14:
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hug eight people at the same time.

Welcome to a world of hurt..

Secret # 13:
I don't like the person I've become

Mmm.. I'm the Cowardly Lion?

Secret # 12:
I wish I was brave enough to sing in front of a big crowd.

Hi, I think I like you?

Secret # 11:
I want to wake up to you next to me..

It's all just a big black hole.

Secret # 10:
I miss the person I was before I met you

Melt my heart.

Secret # 9:

I can't wait to kiss you..

Forget regret, or life is yours to miss..

Secret # 8:
I know that I've made a lot of mistakes in life, but I don't regret anything I've done.

Daydreamer..

Secret # 7:

When nobody's home, I dance around in my bra and boxers with my music blasting.

And now I've had enough of love,

Secret # 6:
I hate myself for wanting to give up on you..

You grace me with your cold shoulder;

You say it's all in my head, and the things I think just don't make sense. So where've you been then? Don't go all coy, don't turn it around on me like it's my fault. See, I can see that look in your eyes, the one that shoots me each and every time.. You know, I know just how you feel 'cause honey I'm starting to feel that way too.

These days when I see you, you make it look like I'm see-through. Do tell me why you waste our time when your heart 'aint in it and and you're not satisfied! You know, I know just how you feel 'cause I'm starting to feel that way too.

I'm over your games. But I'm not over our friendship, yet.. End of story.


**Lyrics from Cold Shoulder by Adele

You just don't get it, do you?

Secret # 5:
My hopes are pathetically high.. so it hurts every time you look me in the eyes and don't kiss me.

I miss you even when you're around

I just want the real you back. I know that people change, and there are a lot of ways that we've both changed- good and bad. But, I don't like the person you've become. I don't like the things you do. I miss the you I used to know.. And I don't really want to say this, but I think I've come to the realization that you're not coming back.

I'll wait, even if it gets me nowhere. End of story.

This world is a scary place..

Secret # 4:
I don't think I'm ever going to be good enough for anyone, and that really scares me..

Grabbing hold of anything that will carry me through the night

Today in religion class, I was lucky enough to be able to participate in a session with some people from The Mission. To be honest, I've never felt like I wanted to make a difference more than I did when I left that room today. The way they talked about how great it is to know that they're helping people really made me think about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I don't care about the money, because I know that doing something like that obviously wouldn't have a great income, but I'd rather know that I'm making a difference in someone's life. The people in the video we watched seemed so humbled and content to know that the people working at The Mission care about them. I want people to feel that way about me. I want to be remembered by at least one person for doing something that helped them. I don't want to sit in an office until I'm old enough to retire. I want to change the world!

I can't do that by myself, though, and that's why I think more people should go out and try to make a difference in someone's life. Sometimes all it takes is a smile or a simple hello to brighten someone's day, so why not break outside of that box and do more to help? That's what I want to do. I feel like it's what I'm meant to do, even though I know that I'm only 16 years old. I know who I want to be, and I know I'll get there someday. I hope that other people of my generation feel the same way. We can make a difference.

Every person deserves to be loved. End of story.

This is crazy

Secret # 3:

I hate myself when I start to give up on people, even if I don't know them.. everyone deserves hope.

I'm a lover, not a fighter

Secret # 2:

Every night at 11:11, I wish for you..

Death is creeping in, come save.

Secret #1

I just realized that we're all going to die. We don't know when, we don't know how, and we could die at any moment, but we're all going to die. So why is it that we all live like none of this is true?

I have an idea!

OK, so I don't know who reads my blog but I've come up with a great idea. Every day, I'm going to post a new secret about myself! Yes, I know it sounds stupid but I'm going to do it anyways!

Addicted to our pride, come save.

Well! I haven't written in a long time but I have something I really need to get off my chest and the one person who I would talk to about it is the problem. SO, here it goes (Maybe you'll read this, so I'll just address it to you):

Dear Maddy,

We've been friends for ten years and I care about you more than anything in the world. You are the most important person in my life, I love you. Do you really think I don't care about you or our friendship? Just because you didn't talk to me for an entire day, so I asked one person if they knew what was up with you? That's tracking you down? Overreacting?! I was never mad. I'm still not mad; but you are. I'm sorry.. I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry.

I would, however, like you to know that I don't like your friends. Your not yourself anymore! The Maddy I know and love would never even think about skipping class, let alone actually do it! You would have never wanted a tattoo or a piercing, but now that everyone else is doing it you want to too. Oh, and don't even get me started on your boyfriend! The things that you've been doing because you feel you need to impress him? I don't want to be mean, but it's pathetic. Stealing things from your sister that someone should never ever take from anyone else? Really?

Oh, and the rebelling and lying? It really needs to stop. I know that it's not my place to tell you what to do with your life, but you're headed down a road that's going to lead you nowhere. I don't want to see that happen to you. I know that you don't really have your parents to turn to about this stuff, and you don't really have Morgan either because of the things that she's dealing with, but you'll always have me! I love you so much, and I'll always be here for you.

..Please, talk to me?

...

I know that she's never going to read that, but one can hope right?

I'll always be here for you, no matter what. End of story.

You never loved me..

I really wish that you could see what you're doing. I wish you could see the pain you're causing. I find it hard to believe you can't, really, since it's in my eyes and written all over my face. Can't you see it every time I look at you? Can't you see I'm screaming on the inside? You're destroying what little we had left. Soon, it'll be gone and you're never going to understand my hatred for you.

You're tearing this family apart! Do you even care?! Can't you see what you're doing!? I spend so much time crying in my room because I want us to be a family! But I know we never will be.. because of you; because of the things you say and what you do. It hurts. But you don't care. So in a couple years when I move out and you ask me why, I'm not going to say anything. Why? Because no matter what I say, you'll never understand.. because it's never your fault, according to you.

I don't need to prove myself to you anymore. I'm not going to try. Not until you're a real dad.

I'm done with you and everything you do. End of story.

What is love? Is it giving up?

If you're going to love me, love me deeply. If you're going to break my heart, then break it all. If you're going to care, care for me completely. If you decide not to hold me, then just let me fall. If you're going to stay, then stay forever and if you're going to leave, then leave today. If you're going to change, change! ..for the better. And if you're going to talk, please mean what you say.

I'm not sure who wrote this but I LOVE it!

luvluvluvluvluv. End of story.

Even the best fall down sometimes..

I wish my brain had a map to tell me where my heart should go..

And all I know is I feel lost without you.. 'I miss you' is not enough.

Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.

No one can really know you (or the things you do) until you know yourself..

Everything is magic until it becomes routine.

The heart holds answers the brain refuses to see.

Never make somebody your everything, 'cause when they're gone you have nothing.

I'm mad at myself, not at you. I'm mad at always being nice, even when I'm hurt. Apologizing for things I didn't even do. For getting attached and making you a huge part of my life.

I have a list of things I like about you.. It says everything on it

All you want is something I can't be..

Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone..

The hardest thing in life is to know which bridges to cross and which bridges to burn..

I wish I could care, but that part of me died a long time ago.

I'm determined to love each day more than I'm afraid of it!

The world is smaller than you think, and the people on it are more beautiful than you think.

The deepest scars are those we cannot see..

Your voice reminds me of my favourite song

You were born and original, don't die a copy.

It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does..

By loving me you're teaching me how to love myself.

Could we put our weapons down and figure this out?

Dear anyone with a low self esteem,

You are absolutely stunning; positively beautiful! I love your smile, you should really wear it more often. Your hair is a frame for a beautiful picture. Those scars that you have on your knees, they show me that you've fallen.. but that glow you still have and the sparkle in your eyes show me that you've gotten back up. You're strong.

Who cares if you have acne, or if you're chubby or thin, tall or short, smart or perhaps a little slow? All the matters is that there's someone out there who loves you for who you are- someone who thinks you're beautiful. There's someone out there who loves those things about you that you hate; those are their favourite parts. That someone is me. I wish that you could see in yourself what I see in you, what your friends and family see in you. I wish that you could love those things the way we love them..

I LOVE YOU! End of story.

The things I can't say to you..

There's so much that I want to tell you, but now I'll never get the chance. I want to tell you that I love you with all my heart, that you're always going to be my hero, that I'm going to love you forever and I never want you to leave.. I want you to know that I'm always going to be around when you need help, I want you to know that you're so important to me and that I'm never going to forget you! But no matter what I say, it just goes in one ear and out the other..

Don't get me wrong, I know it's not your fault- it's the disease. You can't remember, and you don't try anymore. You don't know who I am or why I want to spend time with you, and honestly I don't think you care anymore. You don't know what's happening to you, you're devoid of emotion, you're gone.. Just another body walking around with fragments of lost memories floating in your head.. You were always the strongest person I knew, you're the one who taught me to hold on.. but you've given up. Why bother, right? I mean, it's not like there's a cure for what you've got! It's just going to keep eating away at your brain until there's nothing left.. nothing but a body.. And one day you're going to leave us forever, not knowing who or what you're leaving behind. If it had been 10 years ago and you could look into the future and see yourself now, you would have been mortified to know that this was going to happen. But you'll never know now, because you can't remember.. You'll never remember.. When I look in your eyes, you're not really there.. I want to be able to look in your eyes and see you! Just a sparkle of you, a fleck.. but I know that that's too much to ask for..

It's the disease. It took you away and you're never coming back.. never..

I MISS YOU. End of story.

You're still the best, more or less.. I guess

57 Reasons to live:

1. Falling in love
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts
3. A hot shower
4. No lines at the super market
5. A special glance
6. Getting mail
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road
8. Hearing your favourite song on the radio
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside
10. Hot towels out of the dryer
11. Finding out the sweater you want is on sale for half price
12. Chocolate milkshakes
13. A long-distance phone call
14. A bubble bath
15. Giggling
16. The beach
17. Finding money in your jacket from last winter
18. A good conversation
19. Laughing at yourself
20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours
21. Running through sprinklers
22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all
23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful
24. Laughing at an inside joke
25. Friends
26. Falling in love for the first time
27. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you
28. Waking up and realizing that you still have a few hours left to sleep
29. Your first kiss
30. Making new friends or spending time with old ones
31. Playing with a new puppy
32. Late night talks with your roommate that keep you from sleeping
33. Having someone play with your hair
34. Sweet dreams
35. Hot chocolate
36. Road trips with friends
37. Swinging on swings
38. Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you love
39. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog
40. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid
41. Going to a really good concert
42. Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see that one person
43. Making eye contact with a cute stranger
44. Winning a really competitive game
45. Making chocolate chip cookies!
46. Having your friends send you homemade cookies
47. Spending time with really close friends
48. Seeing your friends smile and laugh
49. Holding hands with someone you care about
50. Running into a friend and realizing that some things, good or bad, never change
51. Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time
52. Riding the best roller coasters over and over
53. Hugging the person you love
54. Watching the expression on someones face when they open a much-desired present from you
55. Watching the sunrise and sunset
56. Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day
57. Having friend who's shoulders you know you can cry on and you know that you can talk to them about your deepest secrets and problems

Life's not always bad! Look on the bright side. End of story.

I CAN'T FIND MY BREATH

You don't just stop loving someone. Either you never did or you always will.

We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.

I really just want to be warm yellow light that pours over everyone I love..

Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone, just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages you've had..

Don't look back unless it's a good view;

People can silence their words, dry their tears, and swallow their kisses but they will never be able to deny a feeling.

Behind every beautiful girl there is a dumbass guy who did her wrong and made her strong.



Sometimes, the right path is not always the easy one..

Just some inspiring quotes to keep you going, that's all. End of story!

When the only thing you want is just to be still for awhile..

Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Mobile phones are being used in class. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex.

Remember when..

Getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? The worst thing you could get from boys was cooties? Dad's shoulders were the highest place on Earth and mom was still your hero? When your worst emenies were your siblings. Race issues were about who could run the fastest. War was only a card game and the only drug you knew about was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn't make you a slut. The worst pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbye only meant until tomorrow..

The only thing you couldn't wait to do was grow up..

I wish I could turn back time.. End of story.

Do you know what you've gotten yourself into?

50 things to know about me:

1. I tend to worry easily. Even about the smallest things.
2. School and family are my number one priority and nothing will stand in the way of that.
3. I try not to fall for people easily, but somehow it just happens anyway.
4. I believe in God. You don't have to like it, but please respect it.
5. I cry all the time; when I'm happy, sad, or angry.
6. I've come to terms with the fact that life's not fair. We're always going to have to do things we don't want to, learn things we don't want to, and deal with people we don't want to. That's just how it works.
7. There is only one person who I trust with my life.
8. I think that the simplest things in life are the most beautiful. Take, for instance, an old couple in love. BEAUTIFUL.
9. Even the smallest and most insignificant things fascinate me.
10. I'm a lot more complex than I lead people to believe.
11. I adore the colour yellow.
12. Like it or not, I will always support and have faith in our troops.
13. No matter what, I will always be there when my friends need me. It doesn't matter what time it is, what day it is, where I am, or how mad I am at them.
14. I'm constantly afraid of letting people down.
15. I wish that someone could give me a simple explanation for my feelings.
16. No matter how much I say I am, I'm not bulletproof.
17. In fact, I'm quite easily bruised and damaged; both emotionally and physically.
18. As much as a adore the sun, I could just as easily live in a world where we had sun showers all the time. Or Christmas snow, I love that too.
19. My best friend now will forever be my best friend. Not a soul on this planet will change that.
20. Just because I say that it doesn't bother me anymore doesn't mean that there aren't still days when it all comes rushing back into my brain.
21. I'm really bad at staying mad at people, especially people I love.
22. I hate it when people insist something is awful just because they don't like it! Just because you don't like it doesn't mean other people don't! THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!
23. Boys scare me.
24. Commitment and relationships scare me.
25. I will forever have my guard up.
26. There's a lot you still don't know about me, so don't be so quick to judge.
27. I have a soft spot for people who have had a rough past, but when they use that to get what they want that soft spot disappears MIGHTY quick.
28. I like people in general, it's just their personalities that disappoint me.
29. I may not seem like the adventurous type, but I love to take risks. You just have to break me out of my shell.
30. It's hard to break me out of that shell.
31. I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life.
32. I'm scared of spending my entire life alone.
33. My heart's taken a mighty beating before, so take it easy on the poor little guy.
34. I have a hard time talking about my feelings to someone's face.
35. Sometimes we will have different opinions. I don't need you to understand them, but I need you to respect them.
36. I don't like to make mistakes.
37. I make a lot of mistakes.
38. My big brother is one of my two idols; along with Audrey Hepburn.
39. Just because I'm not great at it, doesn't mean I don't like to do it!
40. I'm happy 90% of the time.
41. Don't bother me when I'm in a bad mood.
42. I can honestly say that there is only one person who can cheer me up when I'm in a bad mood every time without annoying me.
43. I love being in love.
44. I'm very stubborn and I get angry easily.
45. Just because I cry doesn't mean that I'm weak, it means I'm human.
46. I only trust one person on this planet.
47. I'm scared of growing up.
48. I love to go for long walks in the fall by myself; or bike rides.
49. Being in love is scary.
50. Out of all the people I know in the world, the only person who I hate is the person that I used to be.

Thaaaat's me! End of story.