God, I'm lonely...

You know, I realized today that I'm really lonely. No, I don't mean lonely like I need to have a boyfriend and be in love; I mean, I just feel alone all the time. Even when I'm with my friends I feel alone. I don't understand it and I don't know if I ever will, but I do know that I don't want to be lonely anymore. I want to feel like someone- anyone- cares about me. I want there to be people in my life who can make me smile even at the worst of times without having to even try. I wish that I didn't feel lonely even when I'm alone. I don't know how to make it happen, but I can't do this for much longer. I need someone or something to help me turn my life around before it all comes crashing back down again.

I guess summer really isn't all it's cracked up to be. I mean, it's supposed to be fun and as a teenager I'm supposed to love and enjoy it but to be honest I'd rather be at school. I find that in the summer when I'm not doing anything I have way too much time to think about things that I really don't want to think about. I guess that's why I've been feeling so lonely. When I'm at school, I have way too much to distract me and keep me busy so I never really think about how I'm feeling unless something happens to make me think about it.... I can't wait to go back, to figure out what I want to do with my life, to see everyone and socialize.

One day soon, though, I know that things are going to pick up again. I guess I'll just keep looking for the positive and live by words like these:

"Beautiful pictures are developed from negatives in the dark room. So if you see darkness in your life, be reassured that a bautiful picture it being prepared."

Say what you think, not what you think you should say.

I'm tired of people telling me what to do and who to be. Last time I checked I'm 16 not 6, and I can make decisions for myself. I know that they might not always be the right choices, and I know that I'm going to make mistakes, but isn't that all part of being human? Honestly, if I can't make mistakes for myself and learn from them then... what kind of person am I? I'm not just going to sit idly by any longer and let people walk all over me. It's time for me to live to please myself and not to please otheres. That's not to say that I'm going to be completely selfish and do everything for myself, but I'm going to need to start doing some things for myself otherwise my life is just going to be like a black abyss of nothingness.

"You turn fate into destiny when you know that you create your own life. Decide to be who you want to be and act on it. It'll be yours."

.... Words to live by.

What you see depends on what you're looking for..

Sometimes I just wish I could shut everyone out. I hate having to deal with problems, I hate having to deal with people who like to cause problems. My family is falling apart, my friendships are falling apart, and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel like it's all my fault, even though it's not really. I mean, there are some things I would change if I had the chance to do them over again but.. well it's too late now.

I feel like everything that ever made up the pieces of my family has fallen and smashed into a million pieces. Everything's just wrong, and there's nothing I can do. I can't be perfect, but I'm supposed to be. I can't make mistakes, but I'm only human. I can't be trusted, but I didn't do anything wrong. Or... maybe I did. I don't know anything anymore. I just don't know what to do with myself. There are only a few people in my life who I like to think that I can trust, but I don't even know anymore. Maybe I should just keep to myself for awhile - be alone, you know? Or... Maybe that's not a good idea. Having too much time to think can be a bad thing, too. I don't know! I don't know what to do with myself, my feelings... Don't get me wrong, there are some great things in my life right now... but it seems like they're being overpowered by the negative things.

Maybe things will get better... or maybe not.