Sometimes, things happen that we can't explain. Bad things happen to good people. Things that will change their lives forever..
Scars
Nov 29 / 09
The cold sweats, the nightmares
the crying, the screams
every night's the same
when you walk into my dreams
And it's that same dream repeating
that makes my heart race
taking me back to that day
to that look upon your face
I was just an innocent child
but you took that all away
now I'll never get it back
I'll just have this memory.. it's here to stay
And I've kept this secret memory
locked away for years
but it found its way out
and with it came the fears
The fears that you might someday
do this to someone new
take away her innocence
and leave her only with dreams of you
No, not dreams but nightmares
of your hands touching her
soft whispers in her ear
telling her "This won't hurt"
Leaving her with scars
ones that no one else can see
leaving her with those same scars
that you left here with me
Sometimes, keeping secrets isn't a good thing.. End of story.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I wish I was the tin man so I didn't have a heart to break..
Hey there! It sure has been a long time since I've posted something.. I guess I just haven't been thinking about blogging for a long time, but I've got a lot on my mind right now and I guess it just seemed like a good time to get it all off my chest. Well.. where should I start? I guess I'll start from way back when all of these problems started. BOYS.
I met this guy who we'll call Bruce, and he seemed really great and I wanted to get to know him better. Simple enough. So, as we're getting to know each other we both come to realize that we like each other! Super! NO! WRONG! NOT SUPER! things are going well, but then along comes a guy who we'll call Ralph. So Ralph and I are friends, and then as we become better friends he starts to like me. And so the drama begins..
So, now I have to boys who like me and I like both of them. What am I supposed to do? Well, when thinking about that, I made the wrong decision in solving the problem. I hooked up with both of them in one week and then everyone at school thought I was a slut. WONDERFUL! So, now I like two guys, I'm good friends with both of them, AND I'm a slut? How much worse can this get?! Apparently a lot. Now, I'm being forced to choose and I don't know who I WANT to choose because I don't want to hurt either of them and I really like them both. Then Ralph does something really dumb. He plays me and some other girl and then lies to us both and says that he never said the things that he really did. So then I thought "Well I know who I'm going to choose! This is easy now!" Wrong again, because then Bruce does something stupid too! He decides that it's a good idea to hook up with eight girls in one night, one of them being one of my best friends! Well now my choice isn't so easy anymore. So we're back to square one. Or so I thought.. but then I start hanging out with Bruce more and and Ralph less and then Bruce and I start seeing each other. Simple. Problem fixed! And so I tell Ralph that Bruce and I are seeing each other and he doesn't make that big of a deal about it. But then a couple days later he gets his best friend to tell me that he (Ralph) wants me to back off! REALLY!? I'm seeing someone and you're telling ME I need to back off? After you've been telling me that you want me to choose you!?! That's the dumbest thing I think I've ever heard! And you couldn't even muster up the courage to tell me yourself?!?!?! Well, no kidding I'm going to be mad. And you don't really have the right to be mad at me buddy, because I didn't do anything to you. I told you how I felt, I was honest from the get-go, and you screwed me over. So you deserve everything you get. Problem solved! Except for that I still want to be FRIENDS with you.. or at least the you that I used to know.. but you're a totally different person now and I don't like it. MAYBE when you realize how much of a jerk you're being then we can try being friends, but until then I think that you telling me to back off is a good idea. Your mind games are dumb, and I don't want to deal with this bull anymore. SO, I'm dating Bruce now and that's all fixed!
Next problem? Well, when I was 12 years-old something drastic changed my life; or rather someone. And lately I can't seem to stop thinking about it.. Everything I do and everywhere I go, it's always on my mind. Seeing you last night made me want to just curl up in a ball and cry. I'm not going to plaster what happened all over the internet, but let's just say that it's soething that NO ONE should have to go through- especially a child. It caused me to grow up really fast without being given the choice. Maybe that explains why I'm so screwed up now.. I mean, some times I act like I'm five years old but when it comes to other stuff I'm incredibly mature and I know more about it than most kids my age. I'm not really sure if that's a good thing, I don't like it all the time, but I've learned to live with it and I guess that's the best I can do. Maybe therapy would help? Talking to a professional? I just can't do that though, because as much as I want help this guy was like one of my brother's and I just can't rat him out like that.. I don't know, it just doesn't really seem right to me. I guess that's just another thing that's messed up about me and this whole situation. I just wish that I didn't have to talk to a professional about it, but just someone who knows what I'm going through and what I'm feeling.. someone I know and trust.. because since it happened, I don't really trust a lot of people. I mean, I barely trust ANYONE. And I know that it hurts me and others, not trusting people and all, but I can't really help it! I mean, it's not something that I can control! Anyways, enough about that..
I guess that's about all I have to say.. I'm not really sure why I haven't posted until now but I feel a lot better now that I've gotten it all off my chest..
Life's more complicated than ever. End of story..
I met this guy who we'll call Bruce, and he seemed really great and I wanted to get to know him better. Simple enough. So, as we're getting to know each other we both come to realize that we like each other! Super! NO! WRONG! NOT SUPER! things are going well, but then along comes a guy who we'll call Ralph. So Ralph and I are friends, and then as we become better friends he starts to like me. And so the drama begins..
So, now I have to boys who like me and I like both of them. What am I supposed to do? Well, when thinking about that, I made the wrong decision in solving the problem. I hooked up with both of them in one week and then everyone at school thought I was a slut. WONDERFUL! So, now I like two guys, I'm good friends with both of them, AND I'm a slut? How much worse can this get?! Apparently a lot. Now, I'm being forced to choose and I don't know who I WANT to choose because I don't want to hurt either of them and I really like them both. Then Ralph does something really dumb. He plays me and some other girl and then lies to us both and says that he never said the things that he really did. So then I thought "Well I know who I'm going to choose! This is easy now!" Wrong again, because then Bruce does something stupid too! He decides that it's a good idea to hook up with eight girls in one night, one of them being one of my best friends! Well now my choice isn't so easy anymore. So we're back to square one. Or so I thought.. but then I start hanging out with Bruce more and and Ralph less and then Bruce and I start seeing each other. Simple. Problem fixed! And so I tell Ralph that Bruce and I are seeing each other and he doesn't make that big of a deal about it. But then a couple days later he gets his best friend to tell me that he (Ralph) wants me to back off! REALLY!? I'm seeing someone and you're telling ME I need to back off? After you've been telling me that you want me to choose you!?! That's the dumbest thing I think I've ever heard! And you couldn't even muster up the courage to tell me yourself?!?!?! Well, no kidding I'm going to be mad. And you don't really have the right to be mad at me buddy, because I didn't do anything to you. I told you how I felt, I was honest from the get-go, and you screwed me over. So you deserve everything you get. Problem solved! Except for that I still want to be FRIENDS with you.. or at least the you that I used to know.. but you're a totally different person now and I don't like it. MAYBE when you realize how much of a jerk you're being then we can try being friends, but until then I think that you telling me to back off is a good idea. Your mind games are dumb, and I don't want to deal with this bull anymore. SO, I'm dating Bruce now and that's all fixed!
Next problem? Well, when I was 12 years-old something drastic changed my life; or rather someone. And lately I can't seem to stop thinking about it.. Everything I do and everywhere I go, it's always on my mind. Seeing you last night made me want to just curl up in a ball and cry. I'm not going to plaster what happened all over the internet, but let's just say that it's soething that NO ONE should have to go through- especially a child. It caused me to grow up really fast without being given the choice. Maybe that explains why I'm so screwed up now.. I mean, some times I act like I'm five years old but when it comes to other stuff I'm incredibly mature and I know more about it than most kids my age. I'm not really sure if that's a good thing, I don't like it all the time, but I've learned to live with it and I guess that's the best I can do. Maybe therapy would help? Talking to a professional? I just can't do that though, because as much as I want help this guy was like one of my brother's and I just can't rat him out like that.. I don't know, it just doesn't really seem right to me. I guess that's just another thing that's messed up about me and this whole situation. I just wish that I didn't have to talk to a professional about it, but just someone who knows what I'm going through and what I'm feeling.. someone I know and trust.. because since it happened, I don't really trust a lot of people. I mean, I barely trust ANYONE. And I know that it hurts me and others, not trusting people and all, but I can't really help it! I mean, it's not something that I can control! Anyways, enough about that..
I guess that's about all I have to say.. I'm not really sure why I haven't posted until now but I feel a lot better now that I've gotten it all off my chest..
Life's more complicated than ever. End of story..
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